The room was full of shadows one light burned in the corner a naked bulb on a wire Outside flashed a neon sign that proclaimed to all who bothered to look Rooms for Rent In the 1920 s the building would have been classy well designed and new but now it was another burned out building on a street full of drunks and junkies A man lay on the bed just wearing a pair of track pants faded grey with a hole in the knee His hair was stringy falling past his shoulders and looking like it hadn t been washed in a week Ribs showed through the flesh arms were long and gangly Perhaps once he was handsome now he just looked starved Sure I was in love once I had my soul mate y know He spoke to the huntress who sat across the room from him She looked so out of place Her long black hair immaculate her bright blue eyes still believing in a world that had hope Her clothes while a pair of jeans and a black t-shirt were well taken care of even for the miles they had seen He looked up and caught her eyes his eyes empty and filled with pain I was a dancer I was a lover I was a lot of things but careful wasn t one of them He rolled onto his side and stared at the wall that held a poster for open night for Cats on Broadway People think of their gay friends as that their gay friend We re the black sheep in the crowd the one that they can hold forward and say Look! I m okay I have a gay friend! Those people don t think about our loneliness our pain our dreams and our goals we re just their gay friend We re just the person that makes them open minded It s like a bunch of the rich cotton farmers who d have a black servant they d show off their black servant and say Look at how kind we are we have this thing in our house and we dressed her up all nice and made her all civilised Never once do they think that the person in question the black servant may never have wanted to be dressed up and made all civilised Chances are that servant just wants to make money to feed and clothe her family People would nod knowingly when they found out I was a dancer they figured all dancers were gay or something I wish! I think I wouldn t be thinking back on my life now and seeing so much loneliness if that were the case I remember once I fell in love with one of my co-stars he was beautiful to watch dance and he always had a smile for everyone He was so kind so generous so full of life and love He also had a girlfriend and wasn t gay It s probably the hardest part being in love with someone you know will never possibly be in love with you Most hetro s have had an encounter somewhere along the way where they ve found someone they ve fallen for was gay and they move on but imagine if everyone you fell for was gay Imagine how it is for me or the lesbian down the street or whatever how almost everyone you fall in love with isn t interested in you all because you re the wrong gender I know I m sounding like I m starting to feel sorry for myself but I ve been feeling sorry for myself for quite a while now Your friend Pierre asked you to come in and check on me I know I only met him twice the first time was at an after-show party I remember his smile It was a mysterious smile his eyes said I ve seen things you ll never understand and I was drawn to that I talked to him half the night I think he wasn t gay either but for that one night it didn t matter I like you you know you don t look at me with pity you look at me with understanding Its like you ve been alone all your life too My dad left my mom shortly after I was born once I was sixteen she tossed me out of the house She was a stripper my dad was some businessman with a taste for slumming it I didn t really care it was obvious my mom never wanted a kid but she did all right by me I think its from her I got my burning hunger to dance You know what I mean I can tell by those legs you re a dancer too No one has legs like a dancer Jeremy would say She wanted to be a Broadway star but she ended up on the strip act just to get by just temporarily of course She s probably still at it I can t say I ve checked in a few years I met Jeremy in the park of all places He was sitting and playing a flute just sitting there playing the flute The song was this long haunting one I can t say I remember the name of it could have been an original for all I knew I m no musician I was just a dancer I was mesmerised by him I remember sitting down on the opposite bench staring at him I memorised what he looked like long blonde hair that has wisps escaping his ponytail eyes closed lips pursed He had a light build like someone who had once worked construction but was now starving He was wearing a tan rain coat with ratty jeans and a white t-shirt When he stopped playing he looked up at me with these most gorgeous grey eyes and smiled The smile was somewhere between bashful and proud I had to smile back He invited me over to talk We talked for what seemed like hours we went for dinner Well it was more like a slice of pizza at one of those street corner cafe shops drank way too much coffee and laughed a lot I knew I was falling again I knew that I should get away from the witty musician before I fell to far but I just couldn t pull myself away His chosen instrument was the piano he had a job playing at some fancy restaurant and he joked that some of the ladies would stuff bills in his underwear if they could I told him so much about myself not once wondering why I finally dropped the bomb I turned to him gathering all the courage I had in my body and just said it I m gay The man looked up to his listener with a remembered grin at yesteryear Jeremy just blinked a couple of times and said Congratulations and the conversation stopped for a few minutes He then grinned and continued So that means you won t be completely offended if I take you back to my place The man s expression unfocused once more as a wave of pain passed through him and he coughed harshly blood appearing on his lips Don t even say I should be in a hospital I ve been in too many hospitals He went back to staring off at nothing as the pain passed We spent three days doing little but making love and being lovers You don t squirm that s one thing I like about women over men society doesn t train them to be homophobic and fear the things that can t feel or experience or at least not common North American society I can t say for other parts of the world Jeremy and I always meant to travel but always there seemed to be no time His voice trailed off some more It was the 80 s you know The age of protection wasn t yet in place The worst you d get is some chick pregnant unlikely for me or Jeremy Anything you could get could be cured with some penicillin and some time while apologising profusely to your lover and promising more roses than you could ever afford Jeremy loved roses It wasn t long before he was coming to my shows and I went to see him play around town and even dined at his restaurant while we shared mutual winks and smirks at the little old ladies who kept on telling him what a nice boy he was A year later we moved in together My dancing was going well he liked his job well enough and things were good Not the Cleaver kind of good or anything we fought we argued hell once he even kicked me out for the night for coming home stoned out of my stupid little mind Somehow we always got through though Somehow we always got things back on track and worked on It seems like so many people today believe love should be more than what they ve got that its always first dates first kisses and first smiles Love is an ongoing battle of tenacity it s the smile of amusement from your partner after you ve fucked up in the worst way and are begging for forgiveness it s the rolling of the eyes when you get water all over the bathroom floor its the sigh of exasperation when you burn the chicken when his parents are coming over leaving you to run for take out And we loved and lived for years before anything came along that we couldn t handle Seems like mere weeks now I m sure you ve heard of AIDS what was once labelled the gay man s disease Well here I am a gay man Jeremy was a gay man too We never did figure out who brought it in hell it could have been both of us That never really mattered what mattered was that together we were going to beat it But as time went on Jeremy got sicker and sicker He had AIDS full blown I was lucky I just had HIV I spent more and more time in the hospital with him holding his hand begging him to get better Eventually I was begging him to wake up to speak to me to hang in there till they found a cure They never found a cure and Jeremy couldn t last forever I figure he probably looked as bad then as I do now Oh don t bother saying anything contrary I know I look like shit my eyes still work and there s a mirror in the bathroom Better to look at it than the blood coming out of places it shouldn t be Sorry to be so graphic The man creaked as he pulled up an arm to scratch slowly at a rib So where did that leave me With a shitload of hospital bills to pay a funeral to cover and my lover gone That s when Pierre showed up again just like an angel out of the darkness He asked me if I still wanted to go on and I said yes He said would I let him pay for the bills I said yes He stayed with me for close to three weeks said something about Vienna just sucking the big one if they expected him to leave a friend in need I met the man once and he considered me a friend He knew I had HIV but he still would hold me when I cried my eyes out Not many men touch you when you re gay a lot of them still believe it s contagious or something Try being a gay man with HIV sometime its not a parade of hugs and smiles But Pierre he was there for me he kept me together and paid all my bills I asked him how I could ever thank him and he said I already had by finding love and not giving up on it I never really understood that all he said was he found love and it was denied to him so he appreciated it when others found it I didn t really pressure him I guess he wanted to talk about it but I was being a selfish bastard and wallowing in my own pain Will you tell him thanks for me I don t think I m about to see him again Eventually of course Pierre had to go back to Paris said Vienna wanted him there to learn his foolishness and there he would stay until he did Never did understand all that Vienna shit I figured it was his evil stepmother s name or something That gets a smile Wish you could tell me but I know you can t I went back to dancing for a couple of years but my heart wasn t in it everyone could see it I slowly started getting worse and worse parts and I was losing my art and my chance I went for a really long walk one night after I d just been canned from an off-off-off Broadway production and ended up in the same Park I sat at the bench and stared at the empty bench that had once held Jeremy and I could swear I could hear his flute playing that same haunting sad song The song of loneliness and love lost For some reason I knew I had to get my act together that I wouldn t have much time left to me before the disease caught up with me and if I wanted to finish a star I better smarten up Boy did I have to work to get back to where I had once been Y know that it s harder to climb back up a ladder the second time Everyone remembers your fall and thinks you ll just fall again thinks that you re just gonna fail again so you not only have to prove it all over again but prove it better than you did the first time But I made it I made it good My last performance before all the medication and shit added up was on Broadway and it was to a sold out crowd It was worth it I could have sworn I saw Jeremy in the crowd but that s all wishful thinking right But I knew he was there in my heart I know emotional shit but you know how it can be right I can see by your eyes that you ve lost someone you ve loved maybe a lot of someone s sorry A short snort and a bark of laughter which sets off another round of racking coughing Sorry what a word So empty yet its all we ve got to say Hey I know your pain and wish you didn t have it And so often it s not really meant but when it is how are you supposed to tell It sounds just the same either way Hypocrites Hypocrites everywhere all they know how to do is point and stare So here I am the AIDS infected dying from pneumonia Gay guy and here you are the beautiful friend of Pierre s Hey just because I m gay and half dead doesn t mean I can t recognise beauty in a woman A weak smile graces his lips Have to know one s competition right The smile fades once again A dancer and one who has known lost love I can see this I know why Pierre sent you instead of coming himself he wanted someone who would understand and wouldn t feel pity for me Pierre s a great guy and a strong shoulder but I don t think he can help feeling pity for me It s just his way I guess The man rolled back onto his back I doubt I have much longer I just wish the waiting would end y know It s why I m not in a hospital I just want it all to be over Just want to pass on to whatever there is and I ll brand myself an agnostic for the occasion One of those fence sitters who hopes to whatever there s an afterlife for guys like me that doesn t involve burning flames and pitchforks like the bible claims Maybe even see Jeremy where I go A long silence followed just a buzzing off the light and the flickering of the fluorescent flasher outside I can end the pain for you the huntress finally said He voice was soft and musical it reminded the man of cabaret singers who would purr into the microphone and make you feel like they were singing to you alone I can send you to the summerlands if that s what you truly wish She continued The man just closed his eyes and the tension left his body his only words through blood flecked lips were Thank you